On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
