I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My bed smells like the plague
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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