mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
