I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
