Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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