I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
