He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize