3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
