matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
