so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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