A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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