i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Rumble strips road head = magical
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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