How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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