my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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