either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
