I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
