Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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