Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
