So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize