I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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