I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
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