I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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