She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She tied me up with her honor cords...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
