somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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