You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
