Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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