Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
