woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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