you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
