Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
