I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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