worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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