So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
