dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
