First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize