3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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