I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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