I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
