Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
