You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
