Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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