all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
