Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I understand Curling. That high.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize