they need to just BURY HIM!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
