I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize