I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
