dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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