i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
