It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
