just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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