you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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