My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
