I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
