1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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