Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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