Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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