so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
