I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As shirtless as possible
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
