I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
